The Newest Thing in Christmas Carols

Summary


"The Newest Thing in Christmas Carols" is a comedic poem that turns a beloved carol on its head, cataloguing the real tribulations of Christmas rather than its joys. From indigestion after festive feasting and mounting holiday bills, to foggy slush, icy tumbles, sleepless nights, dreary pantomimes, and rampaging children home on holiday — the poem piles woe upon woe with cheerful irony, wishing readers resilience against every seasonal misery that December reliably delivers.

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God rest you, merry gentlemen!
May nothing you dismay;
Not even the dyspeptic plats
Through which you’ll eat your way;
Nor yet the heavy Christmas bills
The season bids you pay;
No, nor the ever tiresome need
Of being to order gay;

Nor yet the shocking cold you’ll catch
If fog and slush hold sway;
Nor yet the tumbles you must bear
If frost should win the day;
Nor sleepless nights — they’re sure to come —
When “waits” attune their lay;

A weary Victorian gentleman surrounded by holiday chaos, illustrating The Newest Thing in Christmas Carols.

Nor pantomimes, whose dreariness
Might turn macassar gray;
Nor boisterous children, home in heaps,
And ravenous of play;
Nor yet — in fact, the host of ills
Which Christmases array.
God rest you, merry gentlemen,
May none of these dismay!

Credits

Unknown writer is the anonymous author of this sharp-tongued seasonal parody, likely composed in the Victorian or Edwardian era given its references to macassar oil, "waits" (street carol singers), and pantomimes. The poem borrows its opening line directly from the traditional carol "God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen," subverting its comfort and joy with a gleefully exhaustive list of Christmas complaints.