Women’s scarce in Cactus Center, and there ain’t no bargain stores
Fer to start them Monday rushes that break down the stoutest doors,
But we had some Christmas shoppin’ that the town ain’t over yet,
Jest because of one small woman and a drug store toilet set.
She was Cactus Center’s teacher, and she hadn’t left the stage
‘Fore she had the boys plumb locoed, and I don’t bar youth nor age.
She was cute and smart and pretty, and she might ‘a’ been here yet
If it hadn’t been for Dawson and his drug store toilet set.
It was old and scratched and speckled, fer ’twas in his case fer years,
But old Dawson, sharp and clever, put a whisper in our ears —
‘Lowed he’d sell that set at auction, and he says, “Now, boys, you bet
This’ll make a hit with teacher — this here swell new toilet set.”
Well, the biddin’ started lively, and it got to gittin’ hot,
Fer every mind in Cactus on that single thing was sot.
Purty soon I’d staked my saddle, worth two hundred dollars net,
Just to own fer one short second that blamed drug store toilet set.
It was then begun the shootin’, no one seems to know jest how,
And ’twas lack of ammernition that at last broke up the row,
And thirteen of us was hurted, but the worst blow that we met
Was in findin’ that some bullets had gone through that toilet set.
But we plugged the punctures in it, and we plugged the wounded, too,
And agreed we’d arbitrate it, and the bunch ‘d see it through,
So we sent a gift committee, but they came back sorer yet,
Fer the teacher ‘d fluttered eastward, so we have that toilet set.
